A Grateful Heart

It is the last day of the year.

I lie in bed watching the shadowy length

Of the winter sun intertwine and flicker

Like a vintage movie being projected on the wall.

It tricks the mind much like the year that was.

The nippy air makes me want to curl up

Under the blankets like a lazy cat,

Procrastinating on the chores at hand.

My mind slips into an endless soliloquy

On the impact of gratitude and grace.

The year that went by was not an easy one.

It forced me to appreciate the power of prayer,

To let go of what no longer served purpose.

I was torn between countries and situations.

At times, I was too flustered to know my bearings.

Home became a much abused word,

And, I had to learn to be grateful through

Some tough lessons for what did not come to pass.

I came to appreciate the challenges

That were my Karma to overcome,

And not be envious of other people’s blessings.

I remember an especially tormented night

When I prayed to the Universe

To take away all that troubled me,

Little did I know that it would mean letting you go.

But let go I did, and a thousand little miracles

Have cropped up to fill that vaccum left by you.

This past year has served up as a reminder

To feel gracious for the unknown blessings that

Have dropped their roots around me

Holding my mind and body together with invisible silken threads.

A grateful heart is a magnet for miracles.

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Posted in blessings, Daily Life, Emotions, Experiences, grateful heart, gratitude, healing, lessons, Life, longing, Love, melancholy, Memories, Musings, My Life, Nostalgia, poem, Poetry, Random pieces of Moi, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Relationships, Spirituality, Thoughts | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lessons in Taking

I remember as a little girl I overfed the gold fish. It died.

I was heartbroken because I did not know what I had done wrong. I thought I must go on giving endlessly.

Growing up, I had to relearn that lesson. Relearn that living beings are equally susceptible to indigestion from an overkill of attention, as to starvation.

People always take if you are willing to give, but do they give back food to nourish your soul or theirs?

It was a hard lesson, and I am still learning. Especially hard, because it goes against my natural grain. I was taught to give, never to take.

But life is all about that push and pull. You need to know when to give and when to hold back.

That’s what happy, healthy relationships are all about. Give and take. Barter. That’s the crux on which every ancient civilisation has survived and thrived. But somewhere we lost the lesson.

We need to be taught that Take is not such a bad word. In order to be well, you must take.

Let go of years of conditioning and take what nourishes your soul. Grab it by the horns but, know when to stop taking. Take till it satiates you, and know when to push back.

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The Gift of Unanswered Prayers

Pale amber sunlight lengthens its shadows across a day that seems more autumnal than wintry.

There is something incredibly sad when dried up leaves carpet the ground and the trees stand bare, stripped off all shades of dignity.

I feel nostalgic for the greenery of summer, but I am reminded that the coming spring will make new leaves grow.

Seasons change and that is the only constant. Especially in a world where all feeling is fleeting.

I did not think I would ever forget you. But, I did. Actually I rarely remember you. It struck me this afternoon when I was soaking in the last rays of the sun that the sunset hues no longer bleed my heart.

There was a time when every sunset was a stab at my heart because I missed you and couldn’t have you. I did not want our story to end. I wanted it etched on stone so that it dare not fade.

But, sometimes one must give thanks for unanswered prayers. The ways of the Universe are smarter than we give it credit for.

I did not even notice that somewhere along the way I stopped caring. I have healed and now I know that letting go difficult as it was, was perhaps the best thing that happened to me.

I do not mourn you anymore. I cannot even fathom why I loved you ever. Do soul mates outgrow each other when their purpose is served or lessons learnt?

Perhaps, that is true. I hope I do not ever see you in any direction of time. I am too busy and grateful for other chances that I had ignored for so long.

So go in peace. I hope you find happiness. I am too busy being happy to feel sad for you. Anymore.

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Dawn

Dawn flickers
High above the trees
As I stand from my window watching.
The air is heavy
With thunder and insects
The stillness is broken by the parakeets chirping.
The rain tree glistens
With last night’s downpour
Puddles abound in the potholes on the driveway.
A twig breaks
Sudden flapping of wings
Inches away from me I see a kite perching.
Craning its neck
It looks at me as if to inquire
What I’m doing when the neighborhood is still sleeping.
Stones crunching underfoot
As dogs go out on their morning walk
A frog splashes in the garden next door, croaking.
Soft summer clouds
Throng the sky like magnolia flowers
The tea grows cold as I stand, reflecting.
Unending thoughts, staring
At the scar on my hand while gladness
For April showers ripples down to my toes, my senses flooding.

Posted in april, Birds, Daily Life, Emotions, Experiences, garden, Life, Musings, poem, Poetry, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Rumination, Seasons, summer, Thoughts, Thunder | Leave a comment

On Days Like These

The oppressive summer wraps its heat
around me with its tenacious tentacles.
It chokes me with a blanket
till I struggle to break for air.
She reminds me a bit of
how Love can be sometimes.
It is supposedly beautiful.
but, mostly Love is jaded.
Weighing on the senses,
rambling on like a broken record
while the music has long
stopped making any sense.
Like a faded sign post that
often survives thundering hurricanes
Love stands bent and battered,
yet, holds up incessantly
against the onslaught of the world.
Sometimes love is like a fallen star,
streaking the horizon before burning
to a shade of its former specter.
Constant and adamant in her chasing,
Love is like a tigress stalking
every chance to prey and devour
when and who she wants, leaving the
leftovers for the hyenas to pick on.
Like a crocodile, never satiated,
Love is always looking for a snack,
even when it pretends to doze in the sun.
Once in a while though I wonder whether
I have really met Love yet.
Am I still searching the wrong corridors
Of an old museum trying to find the
right section of erotology,
while history tries to drown me with a
sense of overwhelming and misplaced anthropology.
On days like these, I wonder what Love really is.

Posted in Daily Life, Emotions, Experiences, Life, longing, Love, melancholy, Memories, Musings, My Life, poem, Poetry, Random pieces of Moi, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Relationships, Rumination, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Remembrance of Smells Past

Remnants of strong autoimmune pains from last night haunted me
As I hurried to cover the lateness to work this morning.
Absent-minded and dragging my feet through the chaos,
I reached out to grab a bottle Of an old perfume
That sat on the dresser, unused and discolored for years.
I checked to see if it had wasted and, thought nothing more
As I sprayed a few bursts of it to envelop me.
Out of the blue, like a muscle reflex, the smell jerked
A memory nerve, transporting me back to that
Gorgeous summer afternoon, years ago in another land.
He had reached across the car to inhale and murmur, ‘Divine’.
I had laughed it off with the wind, sweeping my hair aside,
And went on with the day without paying further heed to it.
It had been a momentous day, when much that I valued was lost.
Why then, I wonder, was I reminded of that smell today?
If Memory were a person, I think it would be cold, strange and random.
It would use every situation to make itself smell better than it does.
Why does it remember certain things beyond their stipulated expiry date?
What is it that triggers it to forget other more valid details?
Cursorily I wonder if I still have some unfinished business with my past.
Is this the Universe’s way of gently reminding me to look back?
Or, is this just a reminder of lessons learnt, and not to be repeated?
I had forgotten that this perfume used to be my favorite savior for drab days.
Perhaps, I valued it more then because he had gifted it to me.
But with the change of season and the friendship falling out, we moved on.
On a whim and a rage, I had thrown out the bottle.
In my naivety I had thought that I would forget
The smell of the baby if I threw it out with the bath water.
Over time, the only thing I remembered of those years was this smell.
Much later, I went and gifted myself another bottle of the same,
Because the smell lingered creating an identity of its own.
It was strange, because I definitely did not want to go back in time.
And, much to my surprise, I did not even remember those years past a point.
I told myself, perhaps, I missed the place I had lived in,
Or, the people who had made me feel so young and alive.
I rationalized that this was perhaps how youth smelt like.
Over the years, other smells overwhelmed and overtook me.
They found favor with my sensory nerves, leaving behind this bottle
To stand on my dresser as a mute spectator of the progression of life.
This morning however, made me realize that the past is never really gone.
It gets buried in some deep recess of one’s soul, beating its own drum
Like a second heart that gets fished out at the slightest provocation.
Memories eliminate the bad, and, magnify the good because on some days
One needs to hear how those years that made you who you are, were safe and good
Even if they weren’t, and that sadly is the burden of the past.

Posted in Daily Life, Emotions, Experiences, healing, longing, Love, melancholy, Memories, Musings, My Life, Nostalgia, poem, Poetry, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Relationships, Rumination, Seasons, Smell, summer, Thoughts, Youth | Leave a comment

Wintered

Super moon, said he.
And, I fished out one from
The book of fading memories
When the shine of love
Could outdo that of the moon
And, make a winter night
Bloom with summer stars.
But, I know better now,
And, I believe the moon is diseased,
And love is fickle, and,
The consistency of it, terrific.
People are wounded either
By love, or the lack of it.
There is so much loneliness
In the world today
That sometimes one feels most alone
Being right next to a loved one.
As I sit conversing
With my old friend, sorrow
I realize that it's almost Christmas,
The poinsettias are dripping
Like hemorrhoids in the sun.
They remind me of beautiful,
yet, unhappy love affairs,
The tiny stories that make up
The bigger part of the Universe.
Outside the window, the last of autumn
Is trembling for your touch.
Soon winter will bury her
Song under a brown fog,
Reminding us that love finds
Every living being, but
Not everyone deserves to keep it.
And, so it loses itself
Much like the promises a man makes
In summer, that he feigns lost in winter.

Posted in Autumn, Daily Life, Emotions, Experiences, Fall, Love, Memories, Musings, My Life, Nostalgia, poem, Poetry, Random Thoughts, Reflections, Relationships, Seasons, summer, Winter | 2 Comments